How Your “Family Issues” Haunt You With Women… And What To Do About It ~by David DeAngelo
Think about the last time a woman said or did something that “triggered” you… setting you off to feel intense anger, sadness, fear or insecurity….
Maybe she paid a little too much attention to someone else, and it really irked you.
Maybe she gave you the silent treatment, and it drove you nuts.
Maybe she was constantly checking-in and checking up on you, and it left you feeling like a child.
The feelings this stuff stirs up in you probably came on strong – and so did your reaction to it. And it left you wondering…
“Where Did THAT Come From?”
Now, think about a time you felt attracted to a woman you just KNEW wasn’t right for you.
You knew it wouldn’t work out… you could come up with a dozen reasons why it couldn’t… but that didn’t change your feelings of ATTRACTION for her in any way. And here’s why:
Maybe you’ve heard those stories about orphaned animal babies following around a human being, even going so far as trying to MATE with one once they’ve grown up.
That’s us… another baby animal imprinted on the visual and behavioral characteristics of its mother… then instinctively feeling attracted to those traits – wherever they might show up – throughout our lives.
You probably don’t remember this, but it just so happens that Mom is the first woman we ever meet. And therefore, for better and worse, the way she loves and cares for us makes a seismic impression… it becomes the prototype for what we think love is supposed to look like.
It’s where we learn how to get attention. To please. To give and receive love.
The flip side… many of the psychologists believe that our relationship with this “proto” woman also creates our most ancient issues… the wounds and feelings that still haunt us, the “demons” affecting our emotions and reactions and influencing the decisions we make with women and relationships today.
If Mom was smothering, maybe we’re needy for constant reassurance and that intense, “checking-in” type attention from our partner.
If Mom ignored us or tuned us out, maybe won’t give up on pursuing “aloof” or distant women that we have to chase.
If Mom was open and free-thinking, maybe we don’t bring enough structure and attentiveness to a relationship.
Once we accept the reality of these possibilities, a powerful new understanding becomes available to us…
We gain insight into how our early life has impacted all of our relationships… influenced our choice of partners… and how we futilely keep trying to recreate situations from the past in the attempt (just like that imprinted goose trying to make sexy-time with the park ranger) to resolve them.
No matter how our family issues play out in our lives, one thing’s for sure: it’s hard for a guy to see this stuff doing its damage in his life.
But, once YOU do, here’s the awesome news of the day…
You Can Use This Knowledge To Change Everything In Love
I can’t emphasize this enough, it may be the single most profound insight I’ve come across when it comes to love and relationships…
As my wife and I worked on our relationship, we discovered that it’s Job 1 to help each other heal the wounds of our family past so that we could stop replaying its damage and inflicting it on each other.
But like I said… this can be almost impossible to accomplish alone, as individuals, on our own.
That’s why, to get the ball rolling, I suggest helping your PARTNER confront and work through HER issues first.
NOTE: I’m not a psychologist or a therapist, so make sure you check with a professional if you have any serious psychological issues.
That said, I think that each of us can be supportive and talk our partners through the painful memories and triggers that come up in the course of a normal relationship.
Listen and be present for the feelings that get stirred up by everyday life. Help her identify her issues in a supportive, non-judgemental way.
Even better… go and observe her interactions with her FAMILY…
Help her pick out areas where healing love is actually coming to her, even though your partner may not be able to see it through the “filter of past hurts.”
Whether it’s a subtle compliment or a proud memory shared by her parents, make it YOUR job to notice and collect these for her… then share them later so she can receive them safely, away from the triggers of interaction with her family.
Then It’s Time To Take Care of YOU
Now, ask your partner to do all of this exact same stuff for YOU. It’s the best way to wade through your “family issues” and begin to heal… but first you have to make a choice.
You can continue to struggle in love against ancient issues passed down to you through time (and probably multiple generations of dysfunction)… or you and your partner can help each other break that chain so that it no longer holds you back, haunting your relationship and causing damage like some kind of Shakespearean curse.